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24 August 2012 @ 06:58 am
My parents always bitchin that my jacket smells like smoke,
But when im out on town i got my pockets full of dope,
For me this is just the way that i have learned to cope,
And deal with the issues and the problems in my head,
Sometimes i think about it when im layin down in bed,
someone with my burned might be wishing i was dead,
But for me this is just a way that i can get ahead,
In this fast pace life people running off of speed,
Never stop to look at the life theyve come to lead,
so when they come to me i supply them all with weed
24 August 2012 @ 06:53 am
Im here without you baby,
But your still on my lonely mind,
I think about you baby,
And i dream about you all the time
Everytime I try to get up i just fall in pits,
My life is like one big ball of shit,
She looks up at the building and says shes thinking of jumping,
She says shes tired of life, She must be tired of something,
All the lonely people where do they all come from,
All the lonely people where do they all belong.

Its 6:42 Am. Ive been awake since 7 o'clock yesterday afternoon.
Im watching death race 2. Its good background noise. I used to like this movie when i was high.
I wish I was high... but ive been clean for 6 or maybe 7 months. I resented my boyfrined at first. He helped me to quit. I wanted to all along but i blamed him because he was close to me.. he said he couldnt love me if i wasnt cleen. I felt like he made me change who i am. We went through a period where we fought alot. Becasue i had just gotten truley sober and wanted to fix my life. He didnt trust me, and wanted me no father than arms length at all times. I thought it was because he loved me. And now i see its just for control.
I guess you dont really know the person your with until youve been with them a while and there shell comes peeling off revealing the people they really are underneath. How did i end up in this situation again?....
I feel ashamed and aothetic. Now ive been using him basicly as a safe zone. To sheild me from all the uncomfortable things in life that  i dont want to face alone. But im not really alone, i live with my mom again.. Funny right. Im back here.....
I feel like im loosing touch with my self. People look at me and shake there heads, They can see im hurting and they know its so simple to change. But is it really all that simple? I dont think so.... Once i just decide to take that first step out of my bed...
I talked to jack the other day, Hes my new therapist i guess... He was very interesting. he told me that i need to concentrate on my life right now instead of looking forward or backwards. Just think about taking that first step out of bed, and the rest will follow, one step at a time.
I want to change.
I want to change.
I want to change.
I want to be happy again.
I want to be at peace.
I want my LIFE back......
Help me help me help me help me help me help me......
Get up and be strong Amanda... I know you can do it.

06 June 2011 @ 01:48 am
Now that Arnold Schwarzenegger is returning to acting, which of his film characters would you like to see him play first?

The one where he doesnt play the idiot governor... -.-
09 May 2011 @ 08:46 am
 Jumping on a wild ride
Who's to say if I breathe or die
All I have to do is pass the time
When love and hate collide
All I wanna do is touch the sky
all I wanna do is say I tried
So fuck the world let's go get high
I'll hit the ground when the sun comes up
Don't ever tell me it's not enough
To ease the pain to calm the hurt
I'll chase your ghost
And leave this earth
The nights are long
The days are dim
One day I know you'll be back again
Inside my heart inside my mind
Your love finds me when in try to hide
All i wanna do is say goodbye
I'm sick of all the fights and lies
All i wanna do is sleep and cry
Ill make the jump and hope I fly
In the end I lay in bed
And think of all that was left unsaid
I look around and hang my head
Tired of the life I've lead

Take a drill bit to my head
But first make sure that I'm not dead
Slit my wrists and watch me bleed
Don't you think this is funny?
I'll take pliers to your toes
And then I'll cut off your whole nose
I'll crack your elbows into place
And re arrange that pretty face
Tie you up with twine and string
Like a marionette I'll watch you swing
My little lady, my sweet corpse
Won't you put on show for me?
Hurry now I'll lock the door
And set your body on the floor
Theres nothing left for me to say
You'll never reach your fifth birthday
I love the way you stare at me
I wonder what those grey eyes see
Always gazing never fixed
Let me fix the stitches across your lips
Your skin is cold and touch is weak
I leave you with a kiss on the cheek
I'll take your breath and leave the rest
Until we meet again in death
09 May 2011 @ 08:44 am
 Im seeing faces in the mirror
Everyday my fate gets clearer
I hear whispers in my head
while im laying down in bed
I look into these red stained eyes
But all I see is hate and lies
I cry out in the dead of night
And pray to see the morning light
Im not strong enough to fight him away
Hes in my head now and hes here to stay
The chill from his touch is ice cold
He tells me he is very old
I smell rotting flesh on his breath
And when hes around I think about death
Im starting to enojy his company
No one else understands me
I listen to what he has to say
I dont ask questions I just obey
Im starting to have really strange dreams
My hands are bloody and I hear screams
When I wake up he is there by my side
I look to him as my guide
Im standing out here on the cold road
I  hear the train rolling by
I wish to god i could run away
I pray he will teach me how to fly
In the morning people fill these streets
Restless hearts are stuck at home
I watch them run in circles
Hiding from the love theve left alone
When the wind blows through the valley
I stop and listen to the earth turn
I remember your sweet voice and loving smile
and all the things you have yet to learn
Standing in a line
Outside the tall black gate
I hear my name is called
and step up to learn my fate
the man behind the iron door
Looks at me and grins
He licks his lips as he asks me
Why I like to sin
I told him 'Sir I can explain'
With little hint of shame
It is not me who should be here
She is the one to blame
Your love sees right through me
Like gun fire in my head
Sometimes I see clearly
Sometimes I wish i were dead
But your love keeps me hanging on
And chases off my fears
When darkness fall upon the light 
Do my cries reach deaf ears?
You say you think of me at night
and try to touch my heart
but what i cant explain inside
Is where did this pain start?
Your whisper comes to me
when its quiet, im alone
I miss the times you held me close
But Im not reaching for the phone


07 January 2011 @ 07:11 pm
What food would you never put in your mouth for any reason, and why?


Natto is a traditional Japanese food of fermented soy beans, and quail egg most often enjoyed for breakfast. Typically eaten on rice, it was a vital source of nutrition in feudal Japan. It's powerful smell and strong, distinctive consistency very often make it unpalatable for most non-Japanese, and it has best been described as 'an acquired taste.'
31 December 2010 @ 04:48 am
All around me I smell the familiar scent of the forest. I haven’t been to the forest since my childhood. What was I doing there now? I brushed my hand against the ground beneath me; I was lying on a soft bed of grass. I open my eyes, the bright light streaming down from the tree tops blinds me for a moment. My vision adjusts and I recognize the familiar trees smiling down upon me with long red faces. The century old trees stand tall and proud around me, protecting the earth beneath their roots and the life of the forest around them. I look down at my body to find that I am naked, except a ring around my finger.
I have woken up many times before, but never actually been awake until this moment. Someone is singing quietly in the distance, a song ive never heard before. Though I can’t hear the words I know it is a song of love. The notes of the quiet lullaby float through forest and set it to life. The wind echoes softly through the trees humming the same tune, and the plants sway back and forth to the music. The sweet sound fills my ears and takes control of me, All thoughts subside and I focus only on the beautiful voice. I stand up and wander off into the forest, the melody leading me in the right direction.
I am close to the music when It stops suddenly. Breaking me from my trance I see that it has taken me to a small pond. Morning lilies grow across the surface of the water. I kneel at the edge of the pond and listen for the music again but the forest stays silent. I know nothing of this world could possibly make that wonderful noise, I desperately wished the singer would reveal himself just to grant me one glimpse of true beauty. Looking down at my reflection I didn’t notice a pale shadow rise from the center of the pond. The water ripples distorted my refection, when I turned away I saw it, the figure of a man.
His long feathered wings outstretched as he hovers inches above the surface. There is no refection in the water under him, only a pale white light emitting from his body. His gaze locks onto mine, and I am struck by the intensity of his calming blue eyes. I can feel him looking past my eyes, into my soul. He sees my regret and my fears but does not judge me. Mesmerized by his stare I fall back into a past memory.
I am young six or seven and I am standing in the door watching my parents. They are angry with each other. They scream and throw things, I know it’s my fault. I see my dad leave and mom cry. Why am I putting her through this pain? Tears burn at my eyes, I want to leave and never come back. I turn to run but he is there again standing right beside me, I stand before him confused and surprised. He sets his hand on my shoulder and that’s when I notice the golden band around his finger, partner to mine. His touch sends a feeling of hope through my body, and I smile as I turn to hug my sobbing mother.
I blink and the scene is gone. Now I am in another room, its dark and the metal beneath me is cold. I am in a hospital room, a tray next to me has a scalpel and needles. I look to the x-rays on the wall and see the mass of cancer pressing against my chest. My hands start to shake and I look for an exit to the room, but there is no door and no windows. I curl up into a ball on the table and close my eyes. I think about my life, I’m not ready to die. What did I do to deserve this?
Dark thoughts of hate and sadness fill my mind. I beg for a way out, I beg for someone to save me. I open my eyes and he is there again, He steps forward. His walk is like nothing I have seen before each step he takes is so slow and graceful It was more like he was floating than walking towards me. He stops and bends down, his face inches from mine.
I look deep into his blue eyes wondering what he’s thinking, but all I see is my own refection. Then he closes his eyes and the room fills with voices. Some of them sound familiar others are unknown, they are all talking about me. I recognize my grandmother’s voice, she is asking someone to help me I can hear her words tremble as she holds back her sobs. My heart breaks to hear my grandmother in such pain. I tried to tell her I would be alright and not to worry but my voice was lost among the other prayers for my safety. Then the voices stopped and I was alone again in the dark room whispering to myself. I stood up and ripped the blue and white scans of my body off the wall. The light above me flickers off.
I blink again, I’m no longer in a past memory but instead I am in the future. I am at a wedding, I don’t know who it is for but I am filled with happiness like I have never felt before. There are no regrets here and no feelings of sadness like before, instead there are only happy faces surrounding me. I wonder why they are all looking at me, and then I see my dad walking towards me. He takes my arms and leads me down the aisle. I am in a daze, and don’t know what is going on. Until I see the man waiting in the aisle. I look down at the white dress I am wearing, then back at the happy crowd and see my family smiling back at me. I take my place beside him, and turn to look into his blue eyes.
"For I know the plans I have for you" Says the Lord "Plans to give you a hope and a future"
Jeremiah 29:11
07 December 2010 @ 12:38 am
 The sun fades behind the mother mountains
Reflections from the passing day are left etched in the sky in lavender and maroon
Angels whisper farewell as they return home with the guiding light
Soon autumn night wraps her shroud across the valley
She embraces me with her cold kiss of death
Every beat of my heart tears at my chilled skin
I shake down to the bone but do not seek warmth
I can not pull my gaze from the stars alight in the sky
For they remind me of your eyes and comfort the pain of loneliness
The moon smiles down upon my anguish with a pallid grin and taunts me
Lunas rays can caress your skin but I may not
Through the midnight haze the heat of my breath rises like a spirit returning to gods kingdom
Tonight I lay alone as I shall for an eternity
My plea for rest is damned by your wistful ghost
Who haunts my dreams and preys upon my guilt
Will this torment ever cease to trouble my mind
The debt of my salvation is repaid in blood
My frail body is devoured by the daemons of my fantasies
Yet my heart beats stronger everyday with immortal love
Only you can be my savior
Only you can release me from my sullen grave
My knees are bloodied and my hands are dirty as I crawl out from the murky depths of Styx
Sorrowful and damaged I lay my life at your feet and beg for a swift escape
Take my hands forevermore and release this tortured child from her fears
01 December 2010 @ 12:44 am
 More Important Than Sight
By Brenda Trumble
When I was eight years old I was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes. In a normal, healthy body, the food you eat is turned into a sugar called glucose, and your pancreas produces a hormone called insulin to carry the glucose into the cells to be used for fuel. In a diabetic body the pancreas does not produce the necessary insulin, and the glucose floods the blood stream. Diabetes can be controlled with a sugar-free diet, exercise, and insulin injections, but if left untreated or uncontrolled, high blood sugar destroys all tissue it comes into contact with. The most common side effects are heart disease, nerve damage, kidney failure, and blindness.
I was always a shy, insecure child. My parents were very loving and generous, but self-confidence is not something someone else can give you, you must have it for yourself, and I never did. I felt out of place in everything because I felt inferior to everyone, and diabetes just compounded my feelings of inadequacy. From day one I did everything I could to pretend I was normal. If I felt like eating a candy bar, I did. If I didn't feel like taking my insulin shot, I didn't. I was supposed to test my blood sugar four times a day, but I tested it maybe four times a week. When I did test, instead of being between 80 and 120 milligrams per deciliter, it would almost always be over 300 or 400.
When I was thirteen I fell in with a bad crowd. Wanting to fit in, I began drinking, smoking, and doing drugs with the rest of them. I didn't want to see or confront the damage I was doing to my body. My theme was deny, deny, deny. When I was sixteen I began using methamphetamines. It was the beginning of a serious downward spiral that almost cost me my life.
By the time I turned nineteen my speed addiction had become all encompassing. I was hanging out with dealers, so money was never a problem, and unfortunately, neither was availability. I would wake up in the morning and immediately start snorting lines of speed. For three, four, even five days at a stretch I would go with no sleep, eating maybe a bag of chips or a candy bar every twenty four to thirty six hours, finally crashing for two or three days when I couldn't go on any longer. On my twentieth birthday I weighed ninety pounds, and I was so sick I could not walk five feet without passing out. This was the day I found out I was pregnant.
Suddenly, everything was different. For the first time in my life I realized that I wasn't just hurting myself, but everyone who ever loved me. Now there was a tiny spark of life, alive in me, because of me, who was depending on me to take care of both of us. It was an epiphany. My decision was instant--I told the baby's father, whom I love very much, that if he wanted any part of me or our child that it would be the last day either one of us ever touched drugs. The agreement was mutual and together we began a new, sober life. I have never since had any desire to touch drugs again. The next challenge was finding a doctor to help me. Every physician saw an emaciated, sickly drug user they assumed would not change. Three different doctors told me there was no way my pregnancy was possible and that my only option was to have an abortion. I left the last doctor devastated, crying, convinced there was no one willing to help me. When I got home the phone was ringing. It was the doctor calling to apologize. He told me he made a snap judgment, and if I were serious about the whole thing that there were people equipped to help me. He sent me to the Tarzana Medical Center which has a specialized high risk pregnancy ward.
The day I went for my first appointment they saw that my blood sugar that morning was five hundred, and their first response was to hospitalize me. Within a week they had me on an insulin pump, and my blood sugar was miraculously under control for the first time in my life. They told me if I wanted my child that it could be done, but it would most likely end in kidney failure and blindness. I never even had to think about it. If I hadn't found out I was pregnant, I would have never stopped doing drugs, and I think its safe to say I would have been dead within the next two or three months. There was no hesitation when I told them I would do what ever it took to bring my child into this world.
I enjoyed being pregnant, despite constant morning sickness. True to their word, I begin to experience problems with my eyesight by my fourth month of pregnancy. I came out of the bathroom after throwing up one day and there was a huge, black floater streaking my vision. That was how it started, and it steadily progressed until the world looked like I was looking through a dirty, oily shower curtain. I had thrown myself into diabetic retinopathy.
The plan was to take the baby by cesarean section when I was in the eighth month, but things did not get that far. When I was six and a half months pregnant, I woke up early one morning doubled over with pain. My fiancé rushed me to the hospital where I lay in a bed for two days. No one quite knew what was going on. They decided to do exploratory surgery. I was cut from my sternum to my belly button, then over about five inches to the right, where they found that my appendix had ruptured and become gangrenous. They lifted my uterus out, baby inside, and cleaned out the poison. Then they put her back in and stapled me up. The next day I went into premature labor and gave birth to a healthy, three-pound baby girl.
My daughter¹s name is Amanda, and she is without a doubt the most special, precious thing I have ever been privileged to come into contact with. She is beautiful, charming, and smart. At six years old, she understands her beginnings, and how she saved my life. One time someone made the comment that I lost my eyesight because I was pregnant. I cut that very short. I explained to them that bad choices about diabetes and drugs cost me my eyesight and that my child was my salvation. I don¹t ever want her to think for a moment that she was responsible for my stupidity. A note on said stupidity--I have made some very bad decisions in my life. Some things I am not proud of, some things I¹m downright ashamed of. But every mistake I have ever made has brought me to the place I am now, and I am happy, so I can't really regret those decisions. I am at peace with myself.
Five years ago this January thirteenth, I lost the last of my vision. Prior to the loss I had numerous laser and invasive eye surgeries, but all in vain. After going totally blind, I was depressed for about six weeks, until one day my family came in and sat on the edge of my bed where I lay for weeks, and told me it was time to get up. They said I had too much to do just to lie there and die, and I know they were right. I had a daughter who needed me, if nothing else. Two years later, my endocrinologist asked me what I was going to do with the rest of my life. I said I was doing it, and his response was that there no way he was going to sit back and watch me waste my life watching television full time. I left school in the eleventh grade, so an education seemed like the logical way to get started. I enrolled at College of the Canyons, the local junior college, and last May I earned my AA degree in Humanities. Next fall I will transfer to Cal State Northridge, where I plan on receiving my Masters degree in psychology.
Dealing with being blind was difficult at first, of course, but I have a strong support system. I found help learning small tasks to get by at the Braille Institute, as well as many crafts that I could enjoy without sight. I have learned that sight is no where near as important as vision. I hope every blind person can learn the same lesson.
28 November 2010 @ 05:52 am
 I'm laying in bed listening to our song and watching the sun come up. Its been a long time since I really listened to it. I remember every detail about that day. It was a perfect day and I was at the pool. It was about 95 degrees outside and no clouds in the sky. I was laying on one of the long folding chairs at the pool. The water looked so nice reflecting the blue sky.
My cousin was laying next to me, she was talking about Alan and how happy she was with him, but I wasn't really listening. I closed my eyes and started thinking about my life. That was when I realized that I love you.
When I left you it broke my heart. I was so scared that you were leaving your life behind and going to California just to be disappointed when you found a confused and scared little girl. I wasn't ready for that as much as I wished I was. I was convinced I was protecting you because I know I would have hurt you.
After we stopped talking the first couple weeks I didn't sleep I was to used to hearing your voice every night. I didn't eat. I wouldn't look at my phone or even touch Xbox. I just stayed in bed waiting for the pain to get so bad that my heart would just stop beating. I listened to that song don't close your eyes about a million times.
After the first few weeks passed I figured I would pretend to live a normal life. To try and trick myself that everything was okay and then maybe I would forget about the pain. Everything reminded me of you. I would open my phone every few minutes and read your old messages or wait for you to call but you never did. Soon I stopped looking for signs of you. I never checked my phone. I stopped having dreams. There wasn't one day I didn't seriously consider or try ending my pain. I did a lot of growing up in the next few months.Then I was introduced to a new kind of pain relief I started going to Melissa's every night and doing line after line shooting snorting cocaine. We went out to clubs almost every night down coast. So many raves I don't remember most of them. I stayed high all day long, not even enough time to sleep.
I remember Jason, he was my best friend. Equal Fives. We should both be in jail right now. I don't even know if hes alive.
I still can't believe it hurt that bad and I held on for as long as I did. I kept trying to forget about you but every time you would leave my mind I would have a dream or get a random goodnight text. I couldn't let you go.
Being at the pool that day was the first time I was happy without you. I realized then that if I didn't take my life alone that night I would still die alone 75 painful years later, because even though I hid your heart away you still had mine and I could never give it to another. The moment I heard your voice something about you completely changed me. I fell in love and now I have the chance to start my life instead of destroying it. I know people say nothing is perfect but they are wrong, to me you are perfect. I will never feel alone again or feel like I need to hurt myself, because even if sometime in the future you stop loving me I will never stop loving you. I know when I die my life wont be for nothing.
I'm done being sad and upset why would I be when I have everything Ive ever wanted in this world. To have this chance for happiness most people only dream about is something I never imagined for myself. I didn't think anyone would ever love me. Being away from you hurts but not as bad as it hurt being alone, I am thankful for that. I found you while Im so young too these few months we are apart hurt now but are really nothing compared to the long perfect life we have waiting for us. You don't ever have to worry that I dont love you or that I will leave you. I know my feelings for you will never change and I will love you with all of my heart for the rest of my life, If you will have me.
Current Music: Blue October- Hate Me